FRIENDSHIPS

And candlelight canes

The first time I ever thought of the idea of friendship, I was nine years old and my father had just finished flogging the hell out of my sisters and me. We had continuously jumped on our beds with lighted candles in our hands, in a bid to see whose candle will go off first. Stupid, yes, but it made sense and seemed like so much fun at the time, so we continued, despite the warning from my father to stop the noise and the dangerous game. He warned that we could accidentally burn the house down with the candles, and we kind of did. We burned the house down with our tears and screams, 5 seconds into 10 strokes of the cane.

Growing up, my father kept three rattan canes in his room with my name and that of my two big sisters roughly written on it, to avoid confusion for when we did things that were deserving of tears. Therefore, that evening, after we had received some strokes of the candlelight cane, with teary eyes and runny nose we all walked into my father’s room to safely keep our canes for the future, as is the culture in my house. That night, we lay in our room in silence, an aftermath of the tears we had cried and I thought of the three rattan canes tucked away at one end of my father’s room, with our sweat, skin, and names on them, the echoing sound of my sister tearfully screaming “No daddy” while my father asked “i ga eme ya mgbosi ozo? as though he didn’t already know we would do it another day, the sound of our laughter before the tears befell us. In the mental chaos of it all, without really understanding what the word ‘friend’ actually meant, I knew I had found my first set of friends, my sisters- in happiness and in pain, in laughter and in cane. (LMAO)

As a child, I read a lot of stories, watched some cartoons and musicals that presented friendship in an even more exciting, candy-living light that I often hoped I would one day experience. Then I got older and understood ‘adult friendship’ for all its sweetness and soreness, for all the hard work that goes into having and keeping a person or group of people with whom life is a lot easier. So, I hated Judas for betraying Jesus, Brutus for betraying Ceaser. I understood the importance of loyalty and honesty, walked out on some friendships, and nurtured new ones. I came into the true meaning of what it meant to be a friend. I’m still learning to be a better friend to the people I care about, I don’t think we ever stop learning respect, honesty, support, communication, loyalty- the bedrock of any true friendship that is not into false advertising.

I also thought of how our constant need to take more than we give can rob us of some true friendships. Sacrifice and selflessness are some of the wheels on which true friendships are driven. If we are unable to step out of ourselves and our obsessive need to make every situation in life revolve around us, we may never experience the magic of true friendship, the sheer happiness in giving. We may never know the satisfaction that comes from seeing the person we care about happy because we have given intangible things like time, kindness, effort, presence, love etc. Things humans rarely get with all the money in the world. We would never know what it feels like to give our imperfect selves to people and have them make it whole. Maybe all I can say to the feeling of being used in a friendship is the fact that one person is giving away too much than they are receiving and no one should ever have to feel like they are undervalued by someone or people they have honestly given their imperfections to.

I’m reminded of the poem A Time to Talk by Robert Frost;

In plain English: When a friend needs you, you leave everything behind and show up.

I know this letter is getting a little longer than planned, it has been a while since I last wrote to you. Honestly, you have been on my mind since then. So much is still happening all over the world but I think I’m less anxious about the existence of the virus now. It’s as though we are all slowly finding new ways to live our lives regardless. I hope you realize that it’s okay to take some time to deal with everything that is happening right now, to deal with the new reality, with life. Friends have also kept me going in this strange time, hence the need to speak about them in this letter. If your friendship lacks respect, honesty, selflessness, loyalty, trust, communication— Maybe you need to re-evaluate yourself, your actions, and your position in the friendship and communicate your discomfort. It is not every friend that must be shipped, some, you leave at the dock and get off the damn boat.

I will like to close with the Poem- A Friend by Gillian Jones;

A person who will listen and not condemn
Someone on whom you can depend
They will not flee when bad times are here
Instead, they will be there to lend an ear
They will think of ways to make you smile
So you can be happy for a while
When times are good and happy thereafter
They will be there to share the laughter
Do not forget your friends at all
For they pick you up when you fall
Do not expect to just take and hold
Give friendship back, it is pure gold.

Thank you for reading.